Mama Bear Deconstructed
Parenting, expectations, and feeling protective
I’m a Mama Bear. Honestly, most mothers think of themselves as a Mama Bear. That is because most mothers will protect their babies at all costs. Not all, but most.
One time in the early aughts (is that how people say that when they just mean 2000 or 2001), I had the luck of being in The Grand Teton National Park with Dear Friends. As I wrote that, I remembered that this likely happened one of the days we had driven up to Yellowstone National Park. Long story short, Dear Friend who LOVES taking pictures wanted nothing more than to get a picture of a real live bear in the wild. While we were walking down a trail, people began telling us to turn around because there was a Mama Bear with two or three babies further down the trail. The smart thing to do would have been to turn around and go back to the parking lot. Dear Friend took off running — TOWARD the Mama Bear.
Everything worked out. Dear Friend actually had a video camera among the cameras slung around their neck and if you ask you can still watch as they film the Mama Bear slowly walk between them and the babies across the trail, watching every single move. Mama Bear was NOT playing. Dear Friend whispers, “This is the best nature I’ve ever seen.” Once they had the picture, they left Mama Bear alone with her babies.
In recent years, though, “Mama Bear” has come to mean something more specific. It is a phrase that mothers of LGBTQ+ folk use to signal that if you are trying to get close to our babies and you may cause harm to them, we will put ourselves between them and you ever single time.
There is a specific group of which I’m part where Mama Bear’s share their stories and support for each other. Sometimes it is celebratory — “My reason got married!” Sometimes it is heartbreaking — “My reason needs prayers after a suicide attempt.” There are more of those than you want to think about.
One of the ways in which Mama Bear grew to be an ally group for LGBTQ+ folks is because there were so many youth and young adults who had been rejected by their own mothers (fathers/grandparents/families). Mama Bears started giving out “Free Mom Hugs” at Pride Parades and holding signs saying,
“If your parents aren’t accepting of your identity, I’m your Mom now.”
You can’t imagine the power of one of those hugs until you are part of it. Sometimes the person receiving the Mom Hug bursts into tears. They have been rejected for so long. Simply having a person say, “I’m your mom now” is healing.
Now, I’m nothing if not a “Let’s look at both sides” kind of gal. And, yes, there are usually many more sides than two. I imagine the mother of those individuals would take offense at that. At least some of them would. If someone says to one of my kids, “I’m your mom now,” oh lordy! You better look out. Mama Bear will show up quick.
Kid #1 gave his “work mom” a Mother’s Day gift this year. Clearly, I’m still not over it! It makes me wonder the ways I’ve hurt my own mother when I have referred to others as “like moms” to me. Of course, there are people who are like mothers to us who are not our mothers. I’m just saying from the mother’s POV, it can be hard.
Here is what is so wonderful about the Mama Bears. Even though I’m a pretty good Mama Bear to my own kid, he still needs other people to stand up and accept him absolutely unconditionally. It would be great if I could say that I do. And, I’m sure I lie to him all the time and say that I do. But, there ARE conditions. I’ll love him no matter what, but there is no way around conditions when it is your own kid. Expectations may be a better word to use than conditions. I was writing down expectations in a journal before the kids were even born. These conditions (expectations) existed before the ultrasound revealed the gender of the baby. It turns out, technology has its limitations. Who knew?
I felt like a Mama Bear to some adults tonight in an online meeting. I think it is probably pretty arrogant for me to feel this way. These were grown-ass adults, but they are LGBTQ+ siblings who are put in a position to have to defend their very being, THEIR VERY CREATED IN GOD’S IMAGE BEING. I found myself being protective and wanting to get between them and anyone who wants to cause them harm — even folks who think they are being harmless by running up the trail just to get a good video of some nature.
So, today I realized my limitations with my own child — again. It breaks my heart, but there is no denying that there have been moments when I failed to be the Mama Bear he needed. I rolled my eyes when he was talking about gender. I asked a stupid question that I didn’t really want the answer to anyway. I made his gender all about me. He will remember those moments for the rest of his life and when he thinks about them, there will be a little bit of pain that comes along with the memory. I know this because I have my own memories that prick my heart.
I don’t bring all those conditions and expectations with me to relationships with people who did not grow inside my uterus. Sometimes I can be a better Mama Bear to them. I guess that is true for all of us parents. Sometimes, a lot of the time, it is easier to provide parenting advice and support when you don’t feel responsible for how that person will live in the world for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
I don’t always do the best I could do. But if you are running down the trail at my babies waving a camera over your head, you best believe I am putting myself between you and them. And, if you don’t stop — at a reasonable distance to simply be in awe of the magical creatures that they are — and then go back the way you came, well, Mama Bear will show you some of the best nature you have ever seen. It won’t involve hugs.
