Ramblings of a Sad Girl
TW: Depression, anxiety, and suicide
Depression is weird. There is nothing logical about it. I’m reminded of the time in therapy when I was complaining about the behaviors of someone. My counselor looked over her glasses at me and said, “You are trying to think logically about someone who is not logical.”
You may not think that sentence will change your life. Sit with it a while. I guarantee there are things and people that you attempt to think about logically — to make sense of — that just won’t have any sense made of it or them.
Depression is like that. There is no reason I should be sad right now. Yet, here I am finding myself crying.
I live in my head. If you read many of these posts, you may have picked up on that. So, when I find myself sitting on my bed in tears, the first thing I do is get to THINKING. This way I don’t have to FEEL whatever I’m feeling. I start asking myself lots of questions. This could be the anxiety part of the Anxiety/Depression. Instead of trying to be witty today, instead of skipping the writing altogether, instead of pretending, I’m going to try to give you a peak into my brain. Strap in. It may get bumpy.
I ask, “Why are you crying?” Then, I begin to analyze every single freakin’ thing that has happened today. Today has been a good day. I was sad that my kid didn’t get up and go to church with me, but I’m used to that. Our congregation had the best day it has had in a long time. We laughed and laughed and laughed. It was a good day. I had chocolate cake!
Yes, I did just watch a movie about a guy who wants to kill himself. But, it is more likely that my mood chose the movie than the movie caused my mood. The movie was Just Before I Go and it is a lovely story about a man who thinks he has no reason to live who finds many reasons to live. It isn’t the best movie ever made, but it is sweet and relevant and has an underwater sea monster.
The movie did not make me sad. Analysis must continue. Here is what happens in the midst of analyzing every step I’ve taken today that could possibly have resulted in feeling sad, I realize there is nothing. There is nothing that makes any logical sense for my being sad. And, that means I have to be angry with myself. (Of course, it doesn’t mean I have to, but I’m giving you a glimpse into my brain, remember?)
I don’t want to be angry with myself, so I keep searching the files. I’m flipping through the last two days, the last week, the year, my lifetime. Inevitably, that leads me to my father’s death. If you are reading regularly, you will have also noticed that his death was a formative moment in my life. I’ve called it the MOST PROFOUND THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
Doesn’t that make you want to puke? I know you are likely to have had a similar profound experience, but I get sad like I’m the ONLY ONE to ever have felt grief before. It isn’t logical. I know none of this makes sense. It doesn’t make sense for me to be so dramatic about it. AND, it doesn’t make sense for me to beat myself up about being dramatic about it. Are you beginning to see how I can’t win in my brain? It would likely be easier in the long run if I would just allow myself to FEEL the feelings — whatever they are.
Because I cry at the drop of a hat, most people think I feel my feelings too much. And, compared to some of my family members, I’m the feeling-est feeling person in the world. I think I used to feel feelings. I was also suicidal. So, there’s that.
I have some pretty vivid memories of laying on mine and Hubby’s bed in my twenties and crying. I mean weeping, curled up sometimes in a ball. I usually did this when I was in the house alone, though I know there were times he sat at his computer while I wept in our bedroom. There were also times when he would come and sit with me. It was a dark time for both of us and for our marriage. I didn’t know I was depressed. He probably just thought I was crazy. The point is that there was a time when I allowed myself to feel things. I don’t think the difference is medication, though, I admit that could be part of it. Those days were before meds. Maybe the meds do keep something at bay so that I’m not kicking and screaming on my bed like a toddler. Most days I happen to think that is a good thing.
My friend was robbed last night. That is what just popped into my head, so this leads me to wonder, “Is that why I’m so sad?”
This blog post is so dumb. That is what just popped into my head, so this leads me to wonder, “Should I delete it all and start over?”
I’m not going to do that. Though my stomach hurts a little when I type those words. I’m going to leave this just as it is even though it makes no sense and reveals a level of craziness that I try to keep only for Hubby and BFF. This is the year of radical vulnerability, right?
I’m thinking about my friend being robbed again. I think I worry about Friend, but also I think I’m just tired of the world being so mean. Though, when I listened to the story, I found myself wondering what had gone so completely wrong in the robber’s life that they felt they had no other options than to hold a really nice person at gun point. The world sucks in so many ways and I want to see the joy and hope even through my tears.
Today at our fellowship meal, a young child (age 4) scooped icing off a piece of cake with their finger and painted an “icing moustache” on their face. It was a great moustache. And, then they proceeded to give the adults in the room “icing kisses” on their arms so that they could smear buttercream sugary goodness all over them. This child thought this was the funniest thing in the world. And, it was. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
See, how could someone be sad on a night after experiencing the GREAT ICING KISSES just hours before? All, I can tell you is that you can’t apply logic. Don’t try to apply logic to any of this essay. I hope tomorrow I will get back to sharing witty stories. Today, this is all I’ve got.
We live in a world where people are depressed. We live in a world where families lose babies. We live in a world where innocent people are held at gunpoint and robbed.
That is what is going on in my brain. But, to get the whole picture, you have to know that this is too:
We live in a world where a circle of people hold hands and pray for each other. We live in a world where our deepest hurts can be held by the community. We live in a world where little kids make icing moustaches and give icing kisses.
I won’t try to make logical sense of something that is not logical.
I’m just going to say THANKS and go to bed.
