Regrets: I’ve Had a Few
When following the rules is wrong
I chose rules over the BFF.
It is slightly more complicated than that, but basically it is true. BFF married the love of her life four years ago this month. When I say “love of her life,” you can’t even begin to imagine this kind of love. It is that sweet, sickening kind of love. They know this about themselves. They make others want to puke and jump for joy all at the same time. I look forward to seeing them at 30 years in to see what that kind of love looks like then! Strangely, I imagine it will still be just as sweet.
BFF has always been THE MOST GIVING person I’ve ever known. This says a whole lot because I happen to be lucky enough to know a lot of giving people. No one gives like BFF gives. And, she gives to the woman she married most of all.
Once the U.S. Supreme Court deemed it a fundamental right to be able to marry the person you love regardless of their gender identity, BFF started planning the proposal. Several friends help make it exactly what BFF wanted it to be which was sweet and sentimental and elaborate, but not ostentatious.
That describes BFF’s giving in a nutshell. Elaborate but not ostentatious.
My job was to pick up the girlfriend from work and drive her to the park where they had their first date. While other friends and I provided a little space for the actual moment of the proposal, once the question had been asked and answered, we all got to celebrate with them.
BFF and I had been talking about it before then. And, during the engagement we continued our conversations about what they wanted for the wedding ceremony. I happen to be ordained in a denomination that has not specifically said it is okay for me to officiate at a wedding of a same-sex couple. I was stubborn at first.
“I don’t care what they say. If you want me to do it. I’m doing it.”
The more I thought about it, the more timid I became. It is complex in ways that I won’t take the time here to explain, but it wasn’t only about following the rules. It was also about protecting some people very close to me and not putting them in a difficult position.
That is all well and good, but the more I think about it, the more I regret it. I think their wedding ended up being exactly what it was supposed to be. You should have seen that first dance! I am only one of many ordained ministers that they know. There were several folks they wanted to participate. And, I participated. I preached. But I didn’t sign the papers. I didn’t pronounce them married. I didn’t officiate.
I didn’t officiate out of protection of self and others close to me who are not LGTBQ+. I didn’t officiate because when it is all said and done, I’m a follower of the rules. I’m a “good girl.” I liked for the teacher to like me. I want to keep the peace and do what is expected. In doing what a denomination expected of me, I likely hurt someone I love.
She always said she understood. I know she is reading this now (Hey, BFF!) and will want to talk to me about what I’m saying behind what I’m saying. (Seriously, she tells me what I really mean!) We figured out a way to do it that I hope met everyone’s needs, but four years later and I can’t help but think it must have hurt in ways that I never fully acknowledged. I couldn’t acknowledge it because then I would have to admit to hurting someone I love.
If you know BFF, you KNOW BFF. There are things, of course, that I know about her that you won’t, but she is the most authentic person. So, what you see really is what you get. Maybe I will be more giving and authentic like her one day. I think if I had been, I wouldn’t have let rules get in the way of doing what was right. I just thank God that she and her wife found each other because the joy it brings to BFF is beyond anything she had ever experienced before. I may not have signed the marriage certificate, but I celebrate that love every single day.
