Scared of the Dark, part 4
The Night I Decided to Turn Off the Light
It seems some people like the experience of being afraid. I’d be willing to bet that they are people who don’t feel scared all the time. For those of us who have a tremendous amount of fear around a tremendous amount of things, being scared for fun makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
I was always afraid of the dark. Well, you know, I was always afraid of what might be in the dark. For the first twenty-five years of my life, I slept with a light on.
While I was growing up, I left the bathroom light on and cracked the door open just enough so that I could see clearly. The bathroom light was my “go-to nightlight.” An actual night light — like one you plug into an electrical outlet was not enough light to help me. That just made things even more spooky.
For the first several years of marriage, I often left the bathroom light on and the bedroom door open. Most nights I was able to sleep without a light because Hubby was right next to me. He would prefer it be as dark as a cave, so having a light on just irritates him. Not to mention, the additional money down the drain by leaving a light on that you don’t really need!
We lived in an old house when I was in my twenties. He has always gone to sleep early. I have always stayed up late. He would go to bed and close the bedroom door. I would stay in the den watching TV, doing homework, or chatting with friends on the brand new America Online Instant Messenger.
The night after I saw The Matrix for the first time, I chatted for a couple of hours with a friend in another state. They had seen the movie too. We convinced ourselves that as we typed messages back and forth to each other that we WERE IN THE MATRIX. This was the first form of “instant messaging” and The Matrix made us question everything.
When I was ready for bed in those days, I would go to the hallway where we had a small lamp on a table. Click. I would turn the lamp on. Then, I would walk back to the den and turn those lights off. Before the lamp would be turned off — and sometimes I would leave it on all night — I would go into the bedroom to the lamp on the table next to my side of the bed. Click. I would turn that lamp on. Then, I would walk back to the hallway and turn the lamp off there. Not until I was under the covers and ready for sleep would I switch off my bedside lamp. This way I never had to walk through the dark house. I did the same thing when I came in from outside. Turn on a light, walk to the next room, turn on a light, walk back to the first light, turn it off, repeat until you get where you are going, always have light in front of you.
One night I went to the hallway lamp. Click. Turned it on. Went to the den and turned off those lights. As I was about to go to my room and turn on my lamp, I heard “God is bigger.”
Now, that sounds spooky, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t like a voice outside of my head. It wasn’t like a ghost speaking to me. It didn’t scare me at all. It was something within me. It was like I was saying it to myself, but it also felt like something bigger than me too. It was spiritual. And, it was mysterious.
I went to the lamp and I held my hand on the switch for a minute. I said out loud to myself,
“God is bigger.”
I switched off the lamp. I stood in the dark hallway. I said out loud to myself again,
“God is bigger.”
I wanted to turn the lamp back on and go back to my normal routine of never being without light, but something was stopping me. I felt a little panicked for a minute. I just stood there in the dark. I said out loud to myself,
“God is bigger. God is bigger than this fear. God is certainly bigger than the dark. God is bigger than anything that might be in the dark. God is bigger. God is bigger.”
I walked through the dark to my side of the bed, crawled in next to Hubby and went to sleep. That was the last night I did the whole click, turn on the light, click, turn off the light, click, turn on the light routine.
That isn’t to say that I’m never afraid when I’m in the dark. There are plenty of times when I feel nervous walking through the dark house. But, I do it. I can actually walk across a dark room without freezing. There still may be fear, but when there is, I simply repeat,
“God is bigger.”
And usually I believe it.
